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LOS ANGELES (AP) — A judge has finalized Zooey Deschanel's divorce from her rocker husband of roughly three years.
Court records show a judge finalized the actress' divorce from Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard on Wednesday in Los Angeles.
Gibbard and Deschanel, who stars in Fox's "New Girl," were married in September 2009. They had no children together.
The actress filed for divorce in December 2011 after separating two months earlier.
The judgment does not provide financial details of the breakup, although it states that the former couple's marriage cannot be repaired by counseling or mediation.
Deschanel was nominated last week for a Golden Globe for her work on "New Girl."
A post on Monday discussed the forces that can make an older couple’s good marriage suddenly go bad — an array of subtle, and often-misunderstood, mental, physical and emotional factors that can upset the equilibrium of even the happiest marriages.
Now we have consulted marriage counselors and geriatricians to find out what caregivers — either the grown children of the couple, or one of the spouses involved– can do to help restore peace and balance to these relationships. The experts consulted uniformly agreed that even older people can at least take steps to reduce tensions and improve their relationship, even if they cannot actually change. (Really, who can, at any age?)
“Even though the situation may seem overwhelming, take heart,” said Dr. Gordon Herz, a psychologist in private practice in Madison, Wisc., who specializes in neuropsychology and rehabilitation psychology. “Couples who have been together for 60 years tend to have worked out ways to manage conflict – or they wouldn’t still be together.”
Retreat to a neutral corner
When grown children see their parents fight, many want to run and hide. But those who are assuming an increased caregiving role often feel impelled to jump in and “fix” the problem, as they do with the other caregiving issues.
If you are so inclined, experts speak with one loud voice to advise: Don’t!
Trying to act as emotional broker between your parents can backfire. (Now they tell me! Suffice it to say that after one such effort my sister said to me in not exactly the friendliest tone, “Well, that went well, didn’t it?”)
“It’s better if your parents can find somebody else to talk to than you,” said Dr. Nancy K. Schlossberg, professor emerita of counseling psychology at the University of Maryland and the author of “Overwhelmed: Coping With Life’s Ups and Downs.”
Don’t give up on marital therapy
“Marital therapy for individuals over 65 years of age is difficult, since habits of a lifetime are deeply ingrained,” stated a study in The Canadian Journal of Medicine, one of the few in the medical literature about marital therapy among older people.
“Yet, in a sense, marital therapy is more crucial for the elderly than for younger patients,” the study continued. “At a time when they are least adaptable and most vulnerable to stress and are entering perhaps the most difficult period of their lives, the elderly must learn new methods of relating and coping” because of the physical and mental changes described in our earlier post.
There’s another reason learning to cope with life changes as a couple is even more critical for older couples: Unlike younger couples, the elderly are rarely in a position to leave the marriage and start over.
Help at least one spouse get counseling
What if only half the couple is ready to seek counseling? Not a problem, therapists said. “You want to help the part of the couple that is suffering,” said Dr. Elaine Rodino, a therapist in private practice in State College, Penn. “The other person may still be the curmudgeon, but I think of it as the law of physics: When you change one aspect of the formula, things change in the total.”
When dementia affects one of the spouses, therapy can help the caregiving spouse learn coping techniques, “which can reduce the marital discord and stress that can make conditions, especially cognitive difficulties, worse,” said Dr. William Dale, chief of geriatrics at the University of Chicago Geriatrics Medicine.
Consider the general practitioner or internist
If the couple won’t see a marriage counselor or therapist, can a family doctor be of any use? The experts had mixed responses.
Many pointed out that general practitioners have neither the time nor the training to offer much relationship help, unless the origin of the problem is exclusively physical. Others thought they could be of use, if given a little direction from the family.
“I encourage the kids to talk to the doctor in advance and let him know something is going on – signs of depression or other problems the parents won’t talk about,” advised Dr. Dale, adding that a consultation with a geriatrician who is more familiar with problems of the aging might be even more productive. “Then the doctor can say, ‘Gee, you sound really frustrated or down — are there any reasons we can explore?’”
Don’t overlook the importance of intimacy
“Mutually stimulating sexual relationships need care and feeding by both partners at any age, but especially in the geriatric years,” according to a study on marital therapy for the elderly. “The need for physical contact, warmth and touching perhaps reaches a peak in this age of loneliness, decreased self-esteem and poor health.”
Forget the idea that elderly couples are too shy to talk about intimacy, insisted Dr. Rodino. “I saw a couple in their 80s, the husband was getting penile injections at the doctor’s office, and then they hurried home to have sex.”
But Dr. Rodino does concede that for older patients it is especially important to focus not only on sexual function and performance, but on “touching, and non-intercourse sexual relations; I help them rekindle the affection and emotional closeness,” Dr. Rodino said.
Address any neuropsychological issues.
To find out whether the sudden marital conflict may stem from early mental cognitive impairment (M.C.I.) —or to rule M.C.I. out and find the real source of trouble — make sure the spouse obtains a full neuropsychological evaluation. If it is M.C.I., “it convinces everybody that there is more than just abstinence, it’s not a personality problem — and they need to address it,” said Dr. Dale.
Don’t overlook simple solutions
“Sometimes a memory problem is something simple, like low Vitamin B12, that is easily fixed,” said Dr. Dale. “Or hypothyroidism, which is quite common, can affect memory.”
In that case, doctors administer synthroid, a thyroid hormone replacement that Dr. Dale said is “very safe, with almost no side effects.” Other changes in behavior can also be the result of a simple problem or be remedied by a change in medication. Don’t assume the worst.
Put an end to the blame game
Help reframe the problem. “Even if dementia is involved, let them know it’s not that their partner hates them, it’s that he is having cognitive changes,” said Dr. Linda Waite, director of the Center on Demography and Economics of Aging at NORC/University of Chicago.
“When you re-frame it like that, it’s easier for the spouse not to take it personally and not blame themselves and feel it’s something they did,” said Dr. Waite. “It can make a difference.”
A 2009 study in the journal Gerontologist supports this notion: “Care partners likely would benefit from strategies aimed at reducing self-blame, enhancing coping skills … and communicating effectively with the person with M.C.I and significant others.”
Separate the anxiety
Divide and conquer — time away improves time together.
“Older couples, especially those with disabilities, spend way too much time together,” said Dr. Lisa Gwyther, director of the Duke Center for Aging Family Support Program. “It would be a problem for any couple.”
Caregivers can best help by arranging for an activity or outing that each spouse can do separately so they can return to each other refreshed and more cheerful. “That can help a lot,” said Dr. Gwyther.
Dial down the tone
For spouse caregivers, it is important to watch not just what is said, but how it is said. In any relationship, tone influences our interpretation of what our partner says. Those with M.C.I. will especially react to tone, rather than the substance of the exchange, Dr. Dale said.
“Ratchet down the emotions, repeat things calmly,” Dr. Dale said. The person with cognitive problems doesn’t know he asked the same question five times — he only knows that you sound angry at him for no reason he can fathom. One spouse’s anger fuels the other’s, and pretty soon there is a fight or withdrawal.
Zero tolerance for violence
If a spouse becomes violent, “that’s an entirely different issue,” said Dr. Schlossberg. “Call in an expert on family violence” or the police.
Help them help others
Nobody likes feeling dependent and having to ask for help. Finding a way to have your loved one volunteer, help others and continue to feel useful can improve moods and marital interactions – even if M.C.I. is involved.
With one couple Dr. Gwyther saw, the wife was not only “driving her husband nuts because she was asking him the same questions over and over,” but she could no longer drive and deliver food in a mobile meals program as she used to. “So her husband agreed to be the driver — and she took the meals to the doors,” Dr. Gwyther recalled.”It made her feel good to continue to do that — and it made them feel good to do it together.”
Caregiver, heal thyself
You have heard it a million times here and elsewhere but, unlike us, this advice never gets old.
If you are exhausted from caregiving, you are bound to be cranky, and that will make everybody around you edgy and irritable, too — especially the spouse who requires your care. Taking the time to look after your own health and engage in activities that bring you pleasure can go a long way toward reducing stress and reestablishing a peaceful balance in a marriage.
How have you coped with tensions in your marriage — or in your elderly parents’ marriage, as you care for them in their old age? Share in the comments below.
WARSAW — The Fiat factory in Tychy, Poland, has long been considered one of the most productive auto plants in Europe, often singled out for praise by the Italian company’s demanding chief executive, Sergio Marchionne.
Polish workers “always responded whenever I asked,” Mr. Marchionne said at the Paris Motor Show in October. “I feel an exceptional responsibility to the people there.”
So when Fiat said recently that it would lay off a third of the work force in Tychy, or about 1,500 people, it was a harsh reminder: Even with the healthiest big economy in Europe, Poland cannot escape the Continent’s economic downturn.
Polish growth is expected to slow to as little as 1.5 percent next year, according to World Bank estimates, from 2.1 percent this year. That still compares favorably with the neighboring euro zone, where most countries are either in recession or just barely growing. With a gross domestic product of €369.7 billion in 2011, according to the European data agency Eurostat, Poland ranked ninth among the 27 E.U. countries, just below Belgium and a rung above Austria.
During much of the region’s debt crisis so far, Poland has counted itself fortunate that the troubles began before the country had joined the euro currency union. By being part of the E.U.’s common market, but not bound by euro strictures, Poland has been one of the Continent’s rare economic good-news stories. But the deceleration in Polish growth, which has prompted the central bank to begin a series of interest rate cuts to stimulate the economy, has underscored the country’s exposure to slumping euro zone consumer markets.
The country’s long border with Germany, and its own skilled, low-cost labor force, make Poland an attractive place to make heavy consumer goods like cars and home appliances. General Motors’ Opel unit, suffering from many of the same maladies as Fiat, has a plant in Gliwice, though it has not announced job cuts there. Bosch, Whirlpool and Electrolux all make household appliances in Poland for the European market.
The country’s slowing growth is likely to put pressure on Polish leaders to address some underlying problems, notably an overbearing government bureaucracy.
“Luckily, we are doing quite well so far,” said Jan Krzysztof Bielecki, a former prime minister who now advises the current prime minister, Donald Tusk, on economic issues. Speaking at a recent conference co-convened by the International Herald Tribune in Warsaw, Mr. Bielecki added, “We still have some space for improvement.”
Yet, despite the economy’s slowing velocity, Warsaw remains a fount of optimism, with ambitions to be a regional financial center. The city somehow manages to seem cheerful, even with its legacy of drab Soviet-era architecture.
In downtown Warsaw recently, as a light snow fell, skaters pirouetted at a temporary ice rink set up in the shadow of the Palace of Culture and Science, a monstrous high-rise building built by order of Josef Stalin in the 1950s.
“I really believe Warsaw is becoming the capital of Central and Eastern Europe,” said Hanna Gronkiewicz-Waltz, mayor of the city. “In these difficult times Warsaw offers not only dynamics but stability.”
Although Vienna emerged as the gateway to Eastern Europe after the end of the Cold War, Warsaw has since surpassed it by some measures — like trading volume at the stock exchange.
And economic success has translated into political prestige. When European leaders accepted the Nobel Peace Prize on Dec. 10, Mr. Tusk, the prime minister, sat next to Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany, the most powerful leader in Europe.
Poland remains a source of profit for companies in Western Europe that badly need them. “For us it’s really a bright spot in the European market,” said Anna Wiosna, manager of strategy development for the Polish unit of Hochtief, a German construction company that has upgraded Warsaw Chopin Airport, among other large projects.
Christopher Jue/European Pressphoto Agency
TOKYO — Japan’s voters handed a landslide victory to the Liberal Democratic Party in national parliamentary elections on Sunday, giving power back to the conservative party that had governed Japan for decades until a historic defeat three years ago.
In a chaotic election crowded with new parties making sweeping promises, from abolishing nuclear power after the Fukushima accident to creating an American-style federal system, the Liberal Democrats prevailed with their less radical vision of reviving the recession-bound economy and standing up to China. A victory would all but ensure that the Liberal Democratic leader, Shinzo Abe, a former prime minister who is one Japan’s most outspoken nationalists, would be able to form a new government.
Some here saw the victory pointing to a greater willingness by this long pacifist nation to accept Mr. Abe’s calls for a stronger military at a time when Japan faces an intensifying showdown with China over disputed islands.
However, the dominant view of Sunday’s vote was that it was not so much a weakening of Japan’s desire for drastic change, or a swing to an anti-Chinese right, as a rebuke of the incumbent Democrats. They swept aside the Liberal Democrats with bold vows to overhaul Japan’s sclerotic postwar order, only to disappoint voters by failing to deliver on economic improvements. Mr. Abe acknowledged as much, saying that his party had simply ridden a wave of public disgust in the failures of his opponents.
“We recognize that this was not a restoration of confidence in the Liberal Democratic Party, but a rejection of three years of incompetent rule by the Democratic Party,” Mr. Abe, 58, told reporters. Now, his party will be left to address deepening public frustration on a host of issues, including a contracting economy and a teetering pension system.
In the powerful lower house, the Liberal Democrats held a commanding lead with 294 of the 480 seats up for grabs. That would be almost a mirror image of the results in 2009, when the Democrats won 308 seats.
In the current election, a dozen parties fielded a total of 1,504 candidates, the largest number ever. But in a sign of the election’s failure to excite, only 59 percent of voters cast ballots, one of the lowest turnouts on record.
The Democrats suffered a crushing defeat, with just 57 seats, putting them only four seats ahead of the largest new party, the Japan Restoration Party, started by Osaka’s popular mayor. It was a huge setback for the Democrats, whose landmark victory three years ago ended the Liberal Democrats’ virtual one-party monopoly on power, and seemed to herald the start of a competitive two-party democracy.
Taking responsibility for the loss, Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda resigned as head of the Democratic Party, despite holding on to to his own seat in Chiba, outside Tokyo.
“We failed to meet the people’s hopes after the change of government three years and four months ago,” he told reporters.
In a sign of how far the pendulum had swung against the incumbents, former Prime Minister Naoto Kan lost his seat in a Tokyo suburb in a tight race with a relatively unknown Liberal Democratic challenger. Other prominent party members also lost their seats in what party members conceded was a rout.
“We tried the Democratic Party for three years, and it was a total disaster,” said Hideyuki Takizawa, 52, a stockbroker voting in the Tokyo suburb of Kawagoe. He said that in the last election he voted for the Democrats, but that this time he opted for the Liberal Democrats. “I have higher hopes now in the Liberal Democratic Party, especially in foreign affairs,” he said.
The victorious Liberal Democrats take over a nation that faces deepening problems, including a ballooning national debt, a growing trade deficit and a rapidly aging population. Upon declaring victory, Mr. Abe quickly vowed to help the faltering economy by quickly passing a huge new stimulus spending bill, and called ending deflation his top priority. He also vowed to give relief to the nation’s beleaguered export sector with more aggressive steps to drive down the yen to make Japanese products cheaper abroad.
There have been concerns that the hawkish Mr. Abe may provoke China by taking a firmer stand against that nation’s increasingly assertive claims to disputed islands, known as the Senkakus in Japan and the Diaoyu in Chinese. But after the victory, he vowed to also move quickly to improve ties with China, Japan’s largest trading partner.
“Our goal is to stop China from making these challenges,” Mr. Abe said, “but we do not intend to allow an overall worsening in relations.” Party members said that even before the election, Mr. Abe’s camp had been quietly reaching out to Beijing to ease tensions.
Makiko Inoue contributed reporting from Kawagoe, Japan.
(Reuters) – Google may not face any major repercussions from the Federal Trade Commission‘s (FTC) two-year-old anti-trust investigation into its web search business, the Wall Street Journal reported, citing people familiar with the matter.
The FTC might drop the investigation sometime this week based on voluntary changes Google will make to its search practices, rather than making the company sign a formal settlement called a consent decree, the Journal said.
The web search investigation examined whether Google tweaks its search results to disadvantage rivals in travel, shopping and other specialized searches.
Google will probably still be required to sign a consent decree for a separate federal investigation into the licensing of mobile-technology patents it acquired when it took over phone maker Motorola Mobility, the Journal said.
An end to the federal probe into Google’s search business would allow the company to avoid getting mired in anti-trust investigations like rival Microsoft Corp endured in the early 2000s.
The European Commission, which is also probing Google, is expected to announce a decision next month.
The FTC declined to comment to the Wall Street Journal and could not be reached for comment by Reuters outside of regular business hours. Google could not be reached for comment by Reuters outside of regular business hours.
(Reporting by Tej Sapru in Bangalore; Editing by Muralikumar Anantharaman)
Internet News Headlines – Yahoo! News
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Long before Christopher Chaney made headlines by hacking into the email accounts of such stars as Scarlett Johansson and Christina Aguilera, two other women say he harassed and stalked them online.
The women, who both knew Chaney, say their lives have been irreparably damaged by his actions. One has anxiety and panic attacks; the other is depressed and paranoid. Both say Chaney was calculated, cruel and creepy: he sent nude photos they had taken of themselves to their family members.
Their accounts as cybervictims serve as a cautionary tale for those, even major celebrities, who snap personal, and sometimes revealing photos.
Chaney, 35, of Jacksonville, Fla., is set to be sentenced Monday and could face up to 60 years in prison after pleading guilty to nine felony counts, including wiretapping and unauthorized access to a computer, for hacking into email accounts of Aguilera, Johansson and Mila Kunis.
Aguilera said in a statement that although she knows that she's often in the limelight, Chaney took from her some of the private moments she shares with friends.
"That feeling of security can never be given back and there is no compensation that can restore the feeling one has from such a large invasion of privacy," Aguilera said.
Prosecutors said Chaney illegally accessed the email accounts of more than 50 people in the entertainment industry between November 2010 and October 2011. Aguilera, Kunis and Johansson agreed to have their identities made public with the hopes that the exposure about the case would provide awareness about online intrusion.
The biggest spectacle in the case was the revelation that nude photos taken by Johansson herself and meant for her then-husband Ryan Reynolds were taken by Chaney and put on the Internet. The "Avengers" actress is not expected to attend the hearing, but she has videotaped a statement that may be shown in court.
Some of Aguilera's photos appeared online after Chaney sent an email from the account of her stylist, Simone Harouche, to Aguilera asking the singer for scantily clad photographs, prosecutors said.
Chaney forwarded many of the photographs to two gossip websites and another hacker, but there wasn't evidence he profited from his scheme, authorities said.
For the two women, who were only identified in court papers by their initials, their encounters with Chaney went from friendly to frightening.
One of the women, identified by the initials T.B., said she first met Chaney online in 1999 when she was 13 years old. She began talking with a girl named "Jessica" that later turned out to actually be Chaney.
Chaney figured out his victims' email passwords and security questions and set a feature to forward a copy of every email they received to an account he controlled.
The woman said that in February 2009 her friends contacted her and let her know that several nude photos of her were uploaded to a public gallery. A year later, Chaney sent a link to a photo-sharing website he created and had her nude pictures sent to her father.
She said she spends several hours a week monitoring the Internet for her personal information and breaks into a sweat whenever she receives a Google alert email notifying her that her name has been mentioned online.
In her letter to U.S. District Judge S. James Otero, she said she thinks Chaney won't stop and she still feels like he has control over her reputation, relationships and career.
Chaney was arrested in October 2011 as part of a yearlong investigation of celebrity hacking that authorities dubbed "Operation Hackerazzi." Chaney's computer hard drive contained numerous private celebrity photos and a document that compiled their extensive personal data, according to a search warrant.
Chaney has since apologized for what he has done, but prosecutors are recommending a nearly six-year prison sentence for him. They also want him to pay $150,000 in restitution, including about $66,000 to Johansson.
The second woman, identified in court papers only as T.C., said she was a close friend of Chaney's for more than a decade. As early as 2003 she noticed her passwords were being reset and email she hadn't looked at had been read by someone. She also said Chaney forwarded an invitation to an online photo gallery to her brother, who eventually saw naked pictures of her.
The woman said the night before she got married, Chaney deleted her email account and she was unable to correspond with a notary until she created a new email address.
In her letter to the judge, the woman said she's been broken by the physical and emotional toll and can no longer recall what it was like to have a private life.
George and Gracie (let’s call them that because using their real names would make them even unhappier than they already appear to be) are in their 80s and married for more than 65 years. Until recently they seemed to ride the waves that are inevitable in any marriage that spans nearly seven decades; through good and bad, they were partners and best friends.
But lately — ever since her hospitalization and his fall — they have been arguing more bitterly than usual (“Do you have to make such a mess in the kitchen?”), criticizing each other (“Why haven’t you dealt with the insurance company yet?”), withdrawing from each other, and generally making each other more miserable, more often than ever before.
This kind of degenerative relationship is not uncommon among the elderly in even the happiest marriages, marriage therapists and geriatricians said. But that is small comfort to either the couple in the middle of the maelstrom, or the children who care for them, as evidenced by a number postings on caregiver blogs. As some of the children have wondered there: “Why can’t we all just get along?”
Therapists and others who work with the elderly said the first step to addressing the problem is understanding where it came from.
“A key question is whether the marital bickering is part of a lifelong marital style or a change,” said Dr. Linda Waite, director of the Center on Aging at NORC/University of Chicago. Is it new behavior – or just new to the grown children who are suddenly so deeply enmeshed in their parents’ lives that they are only now noticing that something is amiss?
How much of the problem is really just the marriage style? “Some couples like to fight and argue – it keeps their adrenaline going,” said Dr. Nancy K. Schlossberg, professor emerita of counseling psychology at the University of Maryland and author of “Overwhelmed: Coping with Life’s Ups and Downs.”
Sometimes the best judges of whether there is a problem are outsiders, said Dr. William Dale, chief of geriatrics at the University of Chicago Geriatrics Medicine. Pay attention if someone says, “‘Gee, Mom seems more argumentative or withdrawn than the last time I saw her,’” Dr. Dale advised.
If the tone or severity of the marital tensions seem new, then it is important to find out why. The causes could be mental or physical, doctors say.
On the mental front, increased anger and fighting could be one of the first signs of mild cognitive impairment, a precursor of dementia or Alzheimer’s, in one or both of the spouses, said Dr. Lisa Gwyther, director of the Duke Center for Aging Family Support Program and Associate Professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences.
Dr. Dale concurs: “There is good evidence that the earliest signs of cognitive impairment are often emotional changes” — anger, anxiety, depression — “rather than cognitive ones” — memory, abstract thought.
But these early signs of cognitive decline can be so subtle that neither the spouses themselves, or their grown children, recognize them for what they are, Dr. Gwyther said. So husband and wife blame each other for the changes and allow feelings of hurt and resentment to grow.
Withdrawing from activities that used to give them pleasure can be a telltale sign of mild cognitive impairment – and can trigger anger and arguments.
“In one couple, the husband just didn’t want to participate in the holidays — the wife got angry and said he was being lazy and stubborn,” said Dr. Gwyther. But the truth was that his cognitive decline made all the activity overwhelming, and he didn’t want anyone to know that he was anxious about not remembering everyone’s names and embarrassing himself.
Suspicion and paranoia can also accompany mild cognitive decline and precipitate distrust and hurtful accusations. Dr. Gwyther recalled another woman who “called her daughter frantic because she said her husband dropped her at her chemo appointment, went to park the car, and didn’t return to get her.” The woman couldn’t imagine that her husband could possibly have lost his sense of time and direction, Dr. Gwyther added. She took it personally, complaining to her daughter that “your father doesn’t seem to care any more.”
Dr. Dale told of a spouse who accused her mate of infidelity because “she was convinced that when he was out grocery shopping he was really having an affair.”
Hoarding, an early symptom of mild cognitive impairment, can also create tension in a marriage. (For new treatments, see this recent post by my colleague Paula Span.)
When one couple came to a counseling session with Dr. Norman Abeles, emeritus professor of psychology and former director of psychological clinic at Michigan State University, the hoarding spouse finally said, “she did it because she thought that they would run out of money, even though there was enough money to go around.” Dr. Abeles said that incident led to her diagnosis of mild cognitive impairment.
Adding to the confusion, mild cognitive impairment (M.C.I.) comes and goes. “There are good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours,” said Dr. Gwyther. “Alzheimer’s and dementia don’t start on Tuesday — it’s a slow insidious onset.” But the diagnosis is becoming more common: The Institute for Dementia Research and Prevention predicts that 1 in 6 women, and 1 in 10 men, who live past the age of 55 will develop dementia in their lifetime.
“Spouses find it difficult to know when their partner with M.C.I. is acting differently (usually badly) due to the advancing illness or due to ‘willful’ personality issues,” said Dr. Dale, citing a 2007 study in the journal Family Relations exploring the problems this can create for couples.
Blaming is often easier than understanding. Another of Dr. Gwyther’s patients was furious at her husband for not filing their taxes. “He’s a C.P.A.,” she said. “How could we owe back taxes?” It did not occur to her that he might be unable to handle that task — and was too frightened about his deteriorating mental focus to let her know.
But as harmful as mental decline can be for a marriage, it is just part of the equation. Physical ailments – even those that seem completely unrelated to marital relations – “can upset the equilibrium of the marriage,” according to a study in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.
“Most men get angry at what’s happened to them when they get ill, women get angry and scared when he’s not what he used to be — so they fight,” said Dr. Schlossberg.
Chronic illnesses, like diabetes, arthritis and heart disease, can have a strong negative effect on mood, said Dr. Waite, who will soon be publishing a study on the subject. Diabetes is so often accompanied by depression that, Dr. Waite said, “one of my colleagues argues that that it is even part of the disease.”
And ailments can have an effect on a couple’s sex life — which can compound the marital problems, doctors said.
“Diabetes brings on neuropathy,” said Dr. Waite. “That means touching and feeling in sex is not as rewarding.” Without the pleasures of affectionate touching — whether a passing hug at the sink, or more — tensions can build. That’s why, if a couple is having problems with sex, they are more likely to have problems in the relationship — and vice versa, according to a 2007 New England Journal of Medicine study of sex and health among older adults.
Other changes in circumstances — retirement, shifting roles, the loss of autonomy, disparities in health and abilities — can wreak havoc. Losing independence can feel like losing oneself — and if you don’t know who you are any more, how can you know how to relate to your spouse?
“Fighting may come from a misguided notion that you can regain power by asserting it over your spouse,” said Dr. Schlossberg, whose observations are echoed in a 1984 study in the Canadian Journal of Medicine. “It doesn’t work, it’s false power – but they’ll try anything.”
The sheer exhaustion that can come from being the caregiving spouse is also bound to “make them stressed and angry,” said Dr. Waite. Not to mention guilty and resentful — never a prescription for happy marital relations.
“Part of the trap for the caregiver is the idea that you have to do it all, and the guilt you feel when you cannot live up to it,” said Dr. Gordon Herz, a psychologist in private practice in Madison, Wisc. Not surprisingly, resentment can soon follow, Dr. Herz added, because it’s hard to admit to anyone that, “‘this is too much for me.’”
What can outside caregivers — children or other loved ones — do about these golden marriages on the rocks? Should they intervene — or butt out? And can marital therapy help — or is it too late to change?
Share your thoughts and experiences — and tomorrow we’ll try to provide some advice from experts.
Sprint announced on Monday that it had reached an agreement to buy the nearly 50 percent stake in Clearwire that it does not already own for $2.97 a share — a bump up from the $2.90 a share that was offered on Thursday.
The improved $2.2 billion offer, Sprint said, represents a premium of 128 percent over Clearwire’s stock price in early October before speculation emerged — following SoftBank‘s investment in Sprint — that Sprint would seek to buy out the wireless network operator.
Sprint already owns 51.7 percent of Clearwire. Buying the rest would give it full control over spectrum that it could use to build out its network.
Sprint is able to do the deal thanks to cash from SoftBank of Japan, which agreed in October to a $20.1 billion transaction to gain majority control of the American telecommunications company, which lags far behind the market leaders, AT&T and Verizon Wireless.
The deal would allow Sprint to expand its Long-Term Evolution network, which is based upon the same data standard used by the newest generation of smartphones. Clearwire owns spectrum that is similar to what SoftBank uses in Japan, potentially giving the newly strengthened Sprint more clout in ordering the latest devices.
The chief executive of Sprint, Dan Hesse, said in a statement: “Today’s transaction marks yet another significant step in Sprint’s improved competitive position and ability to offer customers better products, more choices and better services. Sprint is uniquely positioned to maximize the value of Clearwire’s spectrum and efficiently deploy it to increase Sprint’s network capacity.”
Clearwire’s board approved the offer based on the recommendation of a special committee of directors not appointed by Sprint. Clearwire also has commitments from Comcast, Intel Corp and Bright House Networks, who collectively own 13 percent of the voting shares, to support the deal.
Some of Clearwire’s minority shareholders believed that the company should hold out for a higher price, with one analyst calling for at least $5 a share. One of these investors, Crest Financial, said that it would try to block Sprint’s deal with Softbank if the earlier offer of $2.90 a share went through.
And another, Mount Kellett, had argued that based on what AT&T paid for roughly similar spectrum, Sprint should be paying at least four times as much.
But Sprint argued privately that its previous bid valued the network operator’s spectrum at about the same level that Verizon paid for spectrum that it acquired from cable companies, according to a person briefed on the matter. And Clearwire’s spectrum, Sprint claimed, is less clean and therefore less valuable, meaning that the company was effectively paying more than Verizon did.
Clearwire has struggled to to join the ranks of the biggest American cellphone service providers, despite bringing on big-name investors. Some of its previous stakeholders, including Google and Time Warner Cable, chose to sell off their holdings for a fraction of their purchase prices.
Agreeing to the deal announced Monday will help shore up Clearwire’s finances, at a time when it projected having enough cash to last a year or so and still faces significant debt obligations. Sprint has pledged to provide up to $800 million in interim financing to the network operator.
Citigroup and the law firms of Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom and King & Spalding advised Sprint. The Raine Group acted as financial adviser to SoftBank and Morrison Foerster acted as counsel to SoftBank.
Evercore Partners and the law firm Kirkland & Ellisa advised Clearwire. Centerview Partners acted as financial adviser and Simpson Thacher & Bartlett and Richards, Layton & Finger acted as counsel to Clearwire’s special committee. Blackstone Advisory Partners advised Clearwire on restructuring matters. Credit Suisse acted as financial adviser and Gibson Dunn & Crutcher acted as counsel to Intel.
Lynsey Addario for The New York Times
CAIRO — Millions of Egyptians voted peacefully on Saturday in a referendum on an Islamist-backed draft constitution, hoping that the results would end three weeks of violence, division and distrust between the Islamists and their opponents over the ground rules of Egypt’s promised democracy.
The Muslim Brotherhood, the main Islamist group aligned with President Mohamed Morsi, predicted a big win for ratification. In the districts that voted Saturday, including the opposition strongholds of Cairo and Alexandria, about 57 percent approved the new constitution, according to preliminary tallies by state media early Sunday morning.
Half of the country will vote next Saturday, but in predominantly rural areas that are expected to heavily favor the charter. The emergence on Sunday of the relatively narrow margin of victory for the charter so far, combined with low turnout — 33 percent, according to the unofficial tallies, down from 41 percent in a referendum on a temporary constitution last year — seemed likely to embolden the non-Islamist opposition that has called for Mr. Morsi to scrap the charter and convene a new constitutional assembly.
A spokesman for the main coalition opposing the charter said that it had found widespread irregularities and that its leaders would speak later on Sunday. In Cairo, the biggest city, about 56 percent voted no, according to an unofficial tally by the Muslim Brotherhood.
Regardless of the results, the orderly balloting and long lines marked yet another turning point for Egypt’s nearly two-year-old revolution. After three weeks of violence and threats of a boycott, millions of voters appeared for the moment to pull back from the brink of civil discord and reaffirm their trust in the ballot box, spending hours in long lines to vote in the sixth national election since the ouster of Hosni Mubarak 22 months ago.
It remained to be seen if the losing side would accept the results, or how long the peace might last. Many who voted yes said they were doing so to end the chaos of the transition rather than to endorse the text of the charter. Despite opposition warnings of chaos, the streets of the capital were free of major protests for the first time in weeks.
And if the constitution is approved by the margins his supporters predict, the smooth vote could fortify Mr. Morsi’s power and legitimacy.
Military officers guarded polling places, and there were few reports of violence. Egyptian state media reported nine injuries in clashes around the Nile Delta town of Dakahleya, and that unknown assailants threw Molotov cocktails near the headquarters of a liberal party that had been part of the opposition under Mr. Mubarak.
As they waited in line to vote, neighbors continued to spar over the contentious process that produced the charter. Some said that it had been unfairly steamrolled by Egypt’s new Islamist leaders over the objections of other parties and the Coptic Christian Church, and that as a result the new charter failed to protect fundamental rights.
Others blamed the Islamists’ opponents for refusing to negotiate, in an effort to undermine democracy because they could not win at the ballot box. Many expressed discontent with political leaders on both sides.
“Neither group can accept its opposition,” said Ahmed Ibrahim, 40, a government clerk waiting to vote in a middle-class neighborhood in the Nasr City area of Cairo. Whatever the outcome, he said, “one group in their hearts will feel wronged, and the other group will gloat over their victory, and so the wounds will remain.”
The referendum once promised to be a day when Egyptians realized the visions of democracy, pluralism and national unity that defined the 18-day revolt against Mr. Mubarak. But then came nearly two years of chaotic political transition in which Islamists, liberals, leftists, the military and the courts all jockeyed for power over an ever-shifting timetable.
The document that Egyptians voted on was a rushed revision of the old Mubarak charter, pushed through an Islamist-dominated assembly in an all-night session, after Christian and secular representatives quit in protest. Many international experts faulted the charter as a missed opportunity, stuffed with broad statements about Egyptian identity but riddled with loopholes regarding the protection of rights.
Mayy El Sheikh and Mai Ayyad contributed reporting.
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